Struggling with Boundary Setting In The Face of AD/HD:
Setting healthy boundaries is challenging for anyone, but it can feel especially overwhelming when living with AD/HD. AD/HD can impact how one perceives themselves, others/relationships and consequently the ability to maintain personal limits, which can result in feelings of burnout, guilt, shame or frustration. Moreover, challenges with boundary-setting due to AD/HD can manifest differently in men and women, shaped not only by the condition itself but also by societal/cultural expectations and gender norms. While the core struggles with impulsivity, emotion regulation, people-pleasing, rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) and executive function are common across genders, the way they present and impact individuals can vary.
Note: It is also important to acknowledge that individuals in the LGBTQ2SIA+ community may face additional challenges with boundary-setting due to societal pressures, discrimination, or the need to navigate complex family or social dynamics, which can intersect with the difficulties AD/HD already presents. While this article’s scope narrows to binary genders for simplicity, this is not by any means meant to exclude or diminish the experiences of those outside this scope.
Also note, while this blog focuses specifically on AD/HD and its unique challenges with boundary setting, it’s important to acknowledge that other conditions such as trauma, PTSD, chronic stress and autism can present with overlapping traits and impact boundary setting in similar or distinct way. This blog does not cover those conditions in depth, but they are equally valid and deserving of exploration and support.
How AD/HD Traits Affect Boundary Setting (General)
- Saying No: Impulsivity can result in quickly agreeing to commitments without taking the time to fully consider one’s capacity. This can lead to burn out, exhaustion; and emotion dysregulation.
- Recognizing Personal Needs: AD/HD can make it difficult for one to tune into their own needs and limits, even basic ones like hunger, fatigue or going to the bathroom. Thus, one might push themselves too far without realizing it, only to feel exhausted and resentful afterwards. For example: saying yes to helping a coworker when one is behind on their own work.
- Prioritizing Tasks: AD/HD affects the brain’s executive functioning, which makes things like planning, prioritizing and follow-through difficult. Even if one knows they need to set boundaries, they might struggle to communicate or enforce them effectively. For example: one’s difficulty with the ability to prioritize tasks, can result in them saying yes to things that are not urgent, while already being behind. This inadvertently adds to one’s “to do list” and an overall sense of overwhelm.
- Following Through: Even with the best intentions, difficulties with executive function like short term/working memory and time blindness can make it hard to enforce boundaries consistently. For example: intending to tell a boss about work load limits, but delaying or procrastinating on having the conversation until the opportunity has passed.
- Managing Emotional Reactions: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), which is described as heightened sensitivity to perceived sense of rejection or criticism can cause heightened anxiety around boundary-setting (please see previous blog on AD/HD vs OCD). This in effect contributes to the fear of upsetting, disappointing or being judged by others; resulting in people-pleasing behaviour, where one might say “yes” to avoid disappointing others, even if it is at their own expense. This can also contribute to one avoiding conflicts, and neglecting personal needs to maintain harmony.
Gender Differences In With AD/HD & Boundary Setting
Emotional Sensitivity and People-Pleasing
- Women: Societal/cultural expectations to be accommodating and nurturing often lead women with AD/HD to prioritize others’ needs over their own. This makes saying “No” difficult, especially in relationship to caregiving roles. For example, a woman might take on more household responsibilities despite feeling overwhelmed, fearing judgment, or not asking for help and support directly from their partner fearing the possibility of a sense of rejection being triggered if the help/support is not received the way that it’s needed. This “doing it all” can then contribute to burn out, exhaustion, further emotion disregulation and feelings of resentment.
- Men: While men also experience RSD, they might be less likely to feel societal/cultural pressure to prioritize others’ needs. This can result in fewer people-pleasing tendencies but may still manifest in overcommitment or frustration when boundaries are crossed. This is to not deny that men can also suffer from people-pleasing tendencies, including in relationships. For example: agreeing to a demanding work project without considering his existing workload or other obligations (including family/relationships) leading to stress, self-blame and feelings of failure.
Awareness of Personal Needs:
- Women: Internalized pressure to focus on others may lead to a lack of self awareness about personal needs. Thus, they may further suppress their own needs and limits until they hit a breaking point, which can look like having extreme emotions, or having difficulty managing their emotions. For example, a woman might ignore her need for rest to attend to her partner, children or friends, feeling guilty if she prioritizes herself.
- Men: Men may recognize their needs more easily but struggle to communicate them due to the societal/cultural pressure of having to be strong, “stoic” and self-sufficient. This can in result lead to avoidance of boundary-setting altogether, or making their needs known at all. For example, a man might push through exhaustion instead of telling his boss he is overwhelmed and can’t take more on, fearing rejection/judgment, appearing as weak, or a failure.
Emotional Regulation in Conflict:
- Women: with AD/HD often internalize emotions, leading to guilt, shame or anxiety/fear around boundary-setting. Fear of confrontation, along with societal/cultural messages around what it means to be a confrontational woman can make it harder for women to enforce boundaries, even when they know they are necessary. This also makes this writer wonder about skills development and the difference between how men vs women are taught/or learn (through societal/cultural messaging) how to deal with and manage conflict throughout their lives.
- Men: with AD/HD may externalize emotions, reacting frustration or anger when boundaries are crossed. They may enforce boundaries in a way that seems reactive, intense or even aggressive, rather than intentional and thoughtful. For example: a man might suddenly lash out at a coworker who interrupts him repeatedly, instead of setting clear boundaries earlier.
Executive Function & Follow Through:
- Women: Societal expectations to juggle multiple roles (e.g. work, family, friendships, social obligations, household chores) can exacerbate difficulties with prioritization and boundary enforcement. This can make it harder to enforce boundaries consistently. For example, a woman may decide to set a boundary around her evenings to focus on self-care, such as exercising or relaxing. However, when the time comes, she becomes overwhelmed by competing tasks, like responding to work emails, doing house chores, or cooking. Struggling to prioritize, she ends up multitasking after a long day of work, but leaves each task unfinished. At the end of the night she feels exhausted, frustrated, and maybe guilty for not having exercised.
- Men: May experience executive dysfunction similarly but might prioritize work or individual tasks over relationships, sometimes neglecting to uphold personal or emotional boundaries. For example: he might set a boundary to stop working at 6 p.m and spend quality time with his family. However, he finds himself hyper focused on a work project, or gets distracted by another interesting task. Struggling with time management and follow-through, he loses track of time and ends up working late or completing an unrelated task, missing out on family time that was planned. Resulting in feelings of guilt and strain in his relationship.
How Gender Norms Impact AD/HD and Boundary Setting:
Women are often socialized to be caregivers; thus, women with AD/HD may feel a stronger obligation to meet others’ needs and expectations, making it harder to prioritize their own. This can result in heightened people-pleasing behaviour, feelings of guilt, shame and burnout.
Men are typically socialized to be assertive and self-reliant, making it harder for them to express vulnerability or communicate needs effectively, sometimes resulting in reactive or behaviour around boundaries.
While AD/HD poses universal challenges with boundary setting, societal/cultural expectations for men and women can shape how these struggles are experienced and expressed. Recognizing these differences, as well as understanding one’s cultural upbringing is crucial for tailoring support and strategies.
Tips for Navigating Boundary Challenges:
1- Buy Yourself Time: Work on saying statements such as “can think about it and get back to you?” to allow your brain time to process and make thoughtful decisions.
2- Start Small: Start exposing yourself to setting boundaries with people who feel safe to you, and in low pressure, low-stakes situations. For example: if setting the boundary to not accept extra projects at work is a 10 out of 10 anxiety provoking, find and start with something that is a 4 (for example decline a coffee outing, or a minor favour if you are feeling tired, instead of pushing yourself to go/do), and work your way up. Do that thing (or similar things) until the distress is no longer, then go to the next level. Gradual, consistent practice can help build confidence and mastery.
3- Practice Self-Awareness: Take time to reflect on your needs and limits. Journalling, mindfulness, or talking out your feelings with a trusted friend or therapist can help identify areas where boundaries are necessary.
4- Use Scripts: Prepare simple responses you can give, like “I’d love to be there and help, but I don’t have the capacity right now”. Learn about effective communication skills, and practice them. This can at first be daunting, but it can become easier with practice and reduce anxiety in real-time situations. A books such as “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall B. Rosenberg can be a good place to start.
5- Externalize Reminders: Use tools like reminders, planners or apps to track your commitments and ensure you don’t overbook yourself. Maybe even aim for less than you usually would, and make that a habit.
6- Seek Support: Therapy can generally help enhance self-awareness. Specific therapies such as CBT, AD/HD Coaching, Exposure Therapy can help build skills, while other therapies such as IFS or EMDR can help unpack and process feelings and memories that might be associated with guilt, fear and shame around boundary-setting. Furthermore, if talk therapy seems too daunting, other therapies such as Art therapy can be a powerful tool for those with AD/HD, offering a creative outlet to process emotions, improve focus, and build coping skills.
7- Practice self-compassion: boundaries are a form of self-care and are essential for maintaining overall well-being and living a balanced life in order to prevent burn out. Remember that this is a difficult task to begin with, especially with AD/HD so it’s Ok to make mistakes and adjust as you go. The best way to learn is through making mistakes!
You don’t have to take the journey alone. If you are ready to take the next step, but are unsure about where to start, call or contact us, together, we can figure it out!
